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tv   The Colbert Report  Comedy Central  September 28, 2012 11:25am-12:00pm PDT

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oprah's next chapter, again, that is sunday at 9:00 on the oprah winfrey network. uh, some people have to name everything after themselves. by doing this i will be joining the ranks of such next chapterers as lady ga ga, usher, jennifer hudson, gabbie dougeas, ree hanna and 50 cent. that by the way is actually a picture of lady gaga wearing a dress made of those other people. (laughter) anyway, sunday, me oprah, jimmy, show them a clip. >> ms. win-free, hello. won't you-- won't you please. okay. to ungcious, i don't want to seem needy. oprah, no, okay.
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welcome to your next chapter. >> hi, bye. >> extraordinary. >> you get the idea. we really hit it off. and after spending the diwith lady o, i can now confidently say that oprah winfrey is my new black friend. (laughter) (applause) i mean i assume she's black. i don't perceive race. not even my own. people tell me i'm white and i believe them because si have seen the eagle's lives. anyway, oprah! so folks, nation, was this election day looming every one is trying to read the tea leaves. except romney who as a mormon is allowed only to read the caffeine free diet coke. but that's not looking good
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either because obama currently leads romney by 10 points in ohio, 9 points in florida and 12 points in pennsylvania which wouldn't be a problem if between now and november 6th we can just get 290 million people to move to arkansas. (laughter) arkansas, come for the mess, stay because you traded your car for meth. but-- (applause) but, folks there is no reason to panic over these pole numbers. just ask mitt. >> i'm curious to what you would say to your supporters, your donors that might be concerned that this could be slipping away way. >> i'm very pleased with some polls, not with other polls but at this early stage polls go up and down. >> exactly, it's still early, there are 40 days left until the election amount of lot can happen in 40 days. bama could make a gaffe. mitt could win the debates.
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god could send a flood to destroy all mankind. so there's hope. (laughter) in fact, the election is so far off, why are we even talking about it. mitt isn't talking about it. last week when a reporter asked him if he was going to start campaigning harder romney responded, ha ha, we're in the stretch, aren't we. look at those clouds. it's beautiful. look at those things. (laughter) >> yeah, yeah. (applause) just look at those things. look at those pretty clouds. that one kind of looks like a bunny. or if you turn your head the other way, crushing poll results. i'm going to go with bunny. besides, you can't trust polls. right fox news. >> the latest fox news polls give president obama an edge in three key swing states.
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he's up 5 in florida, 7 in ohio and 7 in virginia. but that is with all likely voters. once you isolate voters extremely interested in the election the race is much closer. >> stephen: yes. much closer among the extremely interested. and romney's tied when you focus on the index pressably intrigued. and he's up, he's up by 2 points when you count only voters who are sigh cotically engaged. (applause) the point is the point is the polls showing romney behind have to be wrong. >> we have a bunch of polls, gallup, pew and-- and uh-- the cnn which either oversampled democrats or at least in the case of cnn, appear to grossly underestimate the percentage of independents. >> there is really lousy sampling in these polls. >> i don't believe them
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because i think the sampling is probably skewed. >> it is clear that many of these polls are oversampling. >> the polls are skewed. >> i don't believe them. you can go through all the scientific goobledygook you like, i done believe them. >> yes, they're basing this all on scien particular goobledygook which is also the name of stuart vaughn's character in harry potter. professor poppycock goob el dee gook. (laughter) that's very hard to say without swallowing your own tongue. now luckily, folks, i've got my own source of polls. conservative blogger dean chambers, who analyzed these polls favouring obama and then reached the scientific conclusion that they just didn't look right. so chambers set up his own polling site unskewed where he unskewed all the national polls by
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skewing them in favor of romney, and surprisingly found that mitt actually had a nearly 8 point lead. that doesn't even count the margin of error. and given how many errors romney's made, i think he should get all of it. now no surprise, folks, this feels accurate polling has caught the attention of some gop intellectuals like texas governor rick perry who tweeted, always niles to get unfiltered or in this case unskewed information. amen. if we had only had more accurate polling during the primaries, perry could have dropped out way sooner. (applause) and so-- (laughter) folks, chambers' work throws all polls into doubt now. even the internal ones i've taken of myself. i mean the results say i'm
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not that excited about mitt romney but as a conservative i feel like i should love him. maybe the sample size is too small or maybe i checked the wrong box and i'm actually latino, you know. thankfully, fox news is fighting back with its own fair and balanced polling. >> we asked you tonight who will win ohio. 10% of you said president obama. 90% of you said mitt romney. thanks for your vote. we had more than 20,000 of them tonight. >> stephen: i don't know. i don't know. that poll looks like it oversampled democrats by 10%. but folks, i am so inspired that tonight i am conducting my own properly weighted poll. so go to colbert and make your voice heard by answering this question. president obama currently leads mitt romney in the polls. why are polls so skewed?
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a, people tend to choose the first option they are offered. b, i don't answer polls. c, when in doubt always pick c. remember, this is a scientific poll in that the results will be tabulated by a lab chimp. we'll be right back. (cheers and applause) 4h$h
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we asked over 3,000 doctors to review 5-hour energy and what they said is amazing. over 73 percent who reviewed 5-hour energy said they would recommend a low calorie energy supplement to their healthy patients who use energy supplements. seventy-three percent. 5-hour energy has four calories and it's used over nine million times a week. is 5-hour energy right for you? ask yodoctor. we already asked 3,000.
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b ew in dyee
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>> welcome back, everybody, thank you so much. folks, my guest tonight is the creator of the tv series about the ravages of methamphetamine. the interview will be six and a half minutes but will feel like 30 seconds. please welcome gilligan. (cheers and applause) vince, so nice to see you, sit down. haven't seen you since the emmies. >> that's right. >> we were both out tlaninging with the stars. what we do, we big tv executives. >> yeah. >> stephen: now you're the series creator and the executive producer of breaking bad. okay. (cheers and applause) one of your stars aaron paul won an emmy on sunday night. everybody was so excited for him. he looked almost like he was on something, he was so excited. >> yeah, he did, didn't he.
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>> he had a little bit of a rush going on. the last eight episodes will air next summer. >> yes. >> let's make some news, just tell me now how it ends, and if you-- and if you didn't see, if it doesn't feel good to tell me i'll edit it out and none of will you tell, right. (cheers and applause) (applause) >> it's probably not going to end well. i can definitely say that. i mean not well for the characters, hopefully it will end well in the people will see it. >> stephen: dow already know how it's going end. >> my writers as we speak are back in los angeles. hopefully they have not left for the day and they are plugging away working on answering that very question. >> stephen: okay, okay. so you're not going to tell me how it ends. >> i don't want to ruin anything for you, steph en. >> stephen: okay, jk raoling toldz me how harry potter ended. but anyway, it is an honor
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to have you. your show is genius. it is addictive. it's like a drug, i want to say crack or something. you write about methamphetamines. how many names like street names for meth have you had to learn. >> oh, a few. >> stephen: dow want to have a meth off right now. >> sure. (cheers and applause) >> stephen: go ahead, you start, okay. >> well, ice. >> stephen: crank. >> scante. >> stephen: getgo. >> shaboo. >> stephen: glass. >> ponzershokolad, that say real one. >> stephen: dr. ice's toothless. (applause)
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>> stephen: i got a couple more here. keep got got, chris christie, and dwayne the rock methamphetamine. okay. >> i concede to you. >> stephen: in guy, he goes, gets into the chemistry teacher without gets into making the high speed chicken feed to pay his medical bills. >> yeah. >> stephen: that's like romney should be pushing that as his obama care answer. just give everyone in america test tubes and sued a fedment-- sudafed, he is over his cancer. >> at the moment he is in remission and. >> stephen: is that cancer in there to make him a more sympathetic character so we can understand how a man can go so bad?
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>> all honesty, yeah, probably a little bit. you know, when i was first coming up with the story for the show, i wanted to do a show not about meth so much but a show about why good people may well decide to do bad things. the old thing, the road to hell is paved with good intentions. >> stephen: so it's a man without goes down this road do. you think everybody could go down that road to hell. you know, like something went wrong in their life. they could make the wrong choices. because i know, because if my show were cancelled i would be selling black tar heroin on the playground in about a week. do you think this could happen to anyone? >> i think the sad truth of human nature being what it is we all have our darknesses as well as our light. and i think people when really pressed could do a lot of pretty bad things. i don't know about cooking crystal meth. but i don't know how many people would be as good at it as will ter. >> stephen: is there really blue crystal meth z you make
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that up or is there really blue crystal meth out there. >> is there now. news (applause) >> stephen: on behalf-- on behalf of parents everywhere, thank you. we got to take a commercial break. stick around and we'll talk some more. we'll be right back with more vince gilligan. (cheers and applause) @@@@@@@@รบ[[
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>> welcome back, everybody. we are talking with the creator of breaking bad vince gill-- gilligan. obviously the character is the bad guy. >> right. >> and gets badder every day. >> yes, he does. >> stephen: but he's also a small businessman, you know, he's a job creator. >> he is. >> stephen: you know, he built that. >> yeah.
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obama didn't build that. obama is not cooking that up. >> i know. in some ways he is a success story, right. >> he is, he hasn't outsource to india. he is making it right in the good old usa. >> stephen: every season he expands. they are into europe now, right. >> they are into the czech republic, yeah. that is great market for him. >> yeah. >> stephen: i don't know. i don't really know much about the meth trade. now do you ever worry that by having such a successful show that you know kids watch the show. and they might you know, grow up to think it is sort of glamorous and attractive to be a chemistry teacher? going to get suck mood the dark world of education. >> the dark world of education that, i would be very pleased if that were the outcome. >> stephen: you write about this, did you dover it to see what it was like. >> no. we pay a pa to do that and then we-- .
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>> stephen: no! that is wrong. that is wrong. you get the interns to do it for free. (applause) when the series is over are you going to be glad to have the character out of your head. >> yeah. in all honesty, yeah, i'm going to miss the series like crazy. it was light inning the bot nell the sense that i work with the best damn cast in tv, brian and aaron, wonderful. >> stephen: brian cranston, i went back, actually, brian cranston is so great, i went back and watched the prequel to this, malcolm in the middle and it is-- creepy to see that character with kids it is spookier in some ways. >> yeah. >> stephen: so you spent all your time making these wrong moral choices for these characters. does it affect you. is it corossive on your soul, are you -- >> i was brought up
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catholic. >> stephen: i was brought up catholic too. and it suck. now i assume that means are you no longer with the church. >> i am-- i am-- no-- well-- . >> stephen: you know what else the road to hell is paved with, the words i used to be a catholic. (applause) >> stephen: but you know, st. paul said whatsoever things are true, are just, are rightous, accept my mind upon these things and sort of move toward the mind of god but you spent years thinking about the worst, the wrong choices, have you been moving into a dark space yourself? >> probably n all honesty. >> stephen: did you have this when you started. >> no, i did not. >> stephen: because you could technically-- i don' don't-- because you look a little bit k we get a shot of the two of you guys together? (cheers and applause) >> stephen: you could. you might-- you might have
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turn mood your evil twin over the last few years. >> you may be right. >> stephen: good luck with the last season. thank you so much for coming. >> thank you so much. >> stephen: vince gilligan. breaking badment you can get it on dvd. we'll be right back.
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>> stephen: that's it for the report, everybody. good night he worked here for a while, but he's not... they're coming to pick this up. watch it like hawks, please.
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don't open it. hot brownies. no, no. okay, he's not out there. i bet it's them counterfeit phone-cards they got. [ all scream ] whoo! come here! oh! ahh! oh-ah! oh! [ growling ] [ sirens wail ]
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[ siren wailing ] free drinks for law enforcement is a... that's a dangerous idea. it's not every night, is it at that place? junior: tuesdays. [ speaking indistinctly ] guinness and bailey's -- car bombs. oh, dear lord, were they good. morning, sunshine. can we turn off some of the lights in here, please? did everybody see garcia all up on johnson? ooh! like a little koala bear. on behalf of the male half of the department, i apologize for garcia. you know that old-man perseverance... here's the horny toad himself. what's up, heartache? trudy: i saw an "america's most wanted" last night
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that i'd never seen before, so it was actually good that i'd stayed home. jim: the first thing on the agenda -- building operations. the memo is spinning, i'm gonna set it down for a second. excuse me. why are you wearing garcia's shirt? raineesha: hoo-hoo! [ laughing ] ooh! oh, what did you do? what do you think we did? clemmy took a little moustache ride this morning. jim: oh... ohh! did you see that? i'll do it again. i'll do it again, see? go change shirts. stop kissing and go change shirts. what just happened there? somebody, you dropped a pot or something! a nice, potted plant fell down here. woman: you're going to have to drag me out of here, you [bleep] cops!


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